Depression has waves (a poem)

Inspired by the blog of a long-time friend.

Maybe I am being haunted

Maybe the translation is what I’m missing
because I’m looking too closely at the words
instead of at what they’re saying

A hot sandwich and iced tea
would be the perfect start to the day
(but substitute a coffee Frappuccino for the iced tea—
I require a bit more sugar)

It rained again today
but I had no time to rest

I had too many things to do

Every day, I feel heavier
than the last
though I’ve been holding back

We all lapse into something, don’t we?

That must be why
my body feels sluggish again this morning

It is what it is—
and that’s the problem

Once again, there’s no one to talk to
I’m not sure where I should go

I get in my car and drive

How do I make chemicals of my own
if I keep giving in?

I’m so tired

It rained again today

I thought about going for a walk
but I knew I wouldn’t make it back in time

And I had too many things to do

I don’t meditate well

My thoughts scatter
I chase the pieces down

By the time I catch them all
and quiet them down
the session is ending

I have no trouble sleeping
except I wake up at 4 a.m.
then pretend to ignore the cat
when she taps me on the shoulder
to remind me it’s time for breakfast

My legs felt heavy this morning
I got up early
but I wanted to linger
under the blankets
just a little longer…

I’m doing my best
I’m doing my best
I’m doing my best

The desire comes quickly
the temptation is right there on the shelf

I’m doing my best

I want to believe in a soulmate
but I’m afraid it may have nothing to do with love

I don’t know what to do with that

I’m hungry
I’m thirsty

Is this supposed to be a placebo for something?

Why isn’t it working?

Tonight

I think I’ll have a cup of tea
and go to sleep to the sounds of rain
from a far off somewhere

I want to close my eyes
while the metronome ticks

The date on the calendar has changed
but I keep thinking it’s yesterday or tomorrow

I keep thinking I’ve done it again
maybe I’ll forget in a day or two

But the waves keep coming

(12 November 2019)

 


 

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