Re-post: The year without Xmas (a poem)

I originally wrote and posted this in 2016—after the election, but before we’d had a chance to see exactly how horrible the current administration would be. Here is the finished version included in This Is Not the Book That Will Save Your Life. (Note that the ‘six ghosts’ reference below is intentional. Although Scrooged is a re-telling of A Christmas Carol, the ghosts are unique enough that it did not feel right to consolidate them into just the three original ghosts.)

This year
Xmas will be neither white
nor blue
nor happy
nor merry
nor joyous
nor peaceful
nor the season to be jolly
(fa la la la la la la la la)

There will be no bells jingling
no chestnuts roasting
no boughs of holly
no snowmen named Frosty
no partridges in pear trees
no lords a-leaping
or any of that crap

Santa Claus will have no list
so he will not be checking it twice
not be caring who’s naughty
not be caring who’s nice
not be asking Rudolph
to guide his sleigh tonight
not going to be needing milk and cookies
left by the fire

Charlie Brown will not be depressed
about the commercialization of Xmas

Kevin McAllister
will not be left home alone (again)

Eric Cartman
will not be getting the Ultra-Vibe Pleasure 2000

Clark W. Griswold will not be getting his Xmas bonus
after having dry turkey and cat-food Jell-O mold for dinner

Ebenezer Scrooge and Frank Cross
will not be visited by six ghosts
who will make them better people overnight

George Bailey will go to jail a bitter man
because Clarence will not be showing him
the wonderful life he’s had
(either way, Potter will be keeping the $8,000)

Ralphie will not be getting an official Red Ryder carbine action 200-shot range model air rifle with a compass in the stock or shoot his eye out while wearing a pink bunny suit that makes him look like a deranged Easter bunny or pink nightmare before the neighbor’s dogs eat the turkey and the family ends up having Xmas duck at the Chinese restaurant with the stereotypical Chinese waiters who can’t pronounce their R

No, we’ll be too busy making America great again…

(25 November 2017)