As I contemplate the empty walls in my room two days before Xmas (a poem)

One of my favorite songs is Yukihiro Takahashi’s X’mas Day in the Next Life, the song I was thinking of when I started this…

Is it possible, after all, that we could meet there? Our next life, on Xmas day? What would that look like? I keep asking myself, but I never have an answer. I stare at the wall, the same wall I have left blank for four years now. Framed album covers sit on the mantel, waiting to be hung. I look at them from time to time, but leave them there; I don’t want to put nails in the walls of a room I will someday leave. I think that’s the real problem—no place feels permanent, like home; I don’t want to make permanent marks on a place where I will not stay. You left a permanent mark on me, but I never felt like I could be home, not even for you. I wanted to be—I still want to be. But I know it’s too late. So I live in this space with nothing on the walls and blankets that won’t stay on the bed, and think about you every time I remember what’s missing in my life. My favorite songs make me think of you. The red wine makes it easier. In the morning, I may or may not remember how much I miss you. But know that I did at one point. Maybe, by Xmas day in our next life, I will have some pictures on the wall, and I can welcome you home.

(23 December 2017)