Disamenity (a poem)

Saturday morning at the typewriter…

The drawstring is a prop
saved for nothing in particular
most of the time sitting unused on the table
with other objects going unused
no longer fulfilling their purpose

Scraps of paper pile up in an uneasy alliance
the wrong one dislodged could bring the whole mess down
displacing one or more of the objects around it

This gathering place for the discarded and unused
sits in the center of it all
such a steady presence it has become invisible
inconvenient only when one is trying to find something
or when visitors are expected

Its presence is still unsettling

Sometimes it is a relief to go somewhere else
away from it all
without the reminders of disarray
or the constant fatigue of trying to solve an intractable problem

Ah, to chuck the whole lot and start over!

I hate to feel so confined
yet there’s comfort in this space
simple though it may be
and the sunlight outside gives me some hope
that something will change for the better
despite the roar of leaf blowers outside
and my ever-changing moods
guaranteed to disrupt one another without provocation
because that’s the food on which insecurity feeds

In that respect, I’ll never go hungry

I do always find a way to not starve
my body might sometimes disagree
but it’s gotten a bit too big for its britches
so I’m inclined to ignore its disruptions
and focus on making it to the end of this chapter

It’s a relief to read about somebody else’s problems for a change

Of course, that’s what the pills are for
when I can get where I need to go without worry or fear
it’s a good day

The rest of it is beyond my control

I try to remember that whenever I start to stress
but that doesn’t often make me feel any better—
what does someone else care whether or not I starve?

They’re insulated from my problems as I am from theirs
what we don’t know won’t hurt each other, as far as we know

Suffering in silence is preferable to crying out loud
remember, a karate man bruises on the inside
that’s where the real damage is—
external injuries can heal

(12 May 2018)