The workings of my body mystify me.
In the late ’80s, I began having panic attacks. I never have figured out the cause, but, over the years, I have learned to pay attention to my body. I know what triggers to avoid (excessive caffeine consumption, paints, perfumes, chemical-based cleansers, insufficient sleep, etc.), and I have a number of coping strategies for dealing with anxiety. Consequently, a full-on panic attack is now a very rare occurrence for me.
During much of the upheaval that I’ve lived through during the last year (divorce, moving, selling a house), I experienced a lot of stress. Enough that I lost about 20 pounds along the way. But, no anxiety.
My life has been reasonably calm since things began to settle down this summer. Yet, these last couple of weeks or so, I’ve been experiencing levels of anxiety uncomfortable enough that I’ve been to see my doctor about the problem.
The stupid thing is that I recognize the signs, and in my head I know that the seemingly amplified intensity of my heartbeat and the occasional “skipped” beat (actually an extra beat) don’t mean that I’m about to keel over and die. I know it’s the anxiety holding a metaphorical magnifying glass over everything, so that I’m then forced to interpret it all through that distorted prism. (Yes, I’ve started mixing metaphors—but anxiety is not logical.)
I have absolutely no idea why this should be coming up now. Though I’ve been making lots of changes these last few months, I’ve had lots of support from friends, family, and other folks making changes of their own. There’s nobody telling me I shouldn’t be doing the things I’ve been doing, or that I’ve been doing things wrong. Quite the opposite, in fact. People have commended me for being brave, vulnerable, and taking steps I need to make a better life for myself and those around me. Yet, here I am again—in this familiar, uncomfortable situation. (That I’ve had it a lot worse in the past is not yet much consolation.)
For now, all I can do is pretty much what I’ve been doing: listen to my body, try to maintain perspective, do the things that will help me in the moment, and check in with my doctor, just in case.
I know this will pass. It’s just a pain to deal with in the meantime. It would be so much easier if my body would just speak English…
(9 November 2013)
Ordinary Average Thoughts 
Perhaps you just need to speak body a little better. I hope you get better.
I have been trying to be more attentive to my body too and I can relate to feeling that somehow we are working at cross purposes! 🙂 I think it’s important though, to heed the wisdom of your body – it may not seem to be making sense right now, and yet it has knowledge and awarenesses that are worth heeding. Be well.
I completly understand what you are going through. But my stress/anxiety levels are off the chart. I am trying to make an appointment to see someone about it soon.